February 12, 1999

On Friday, February 12, 1999 my life was changed forever.

I was a senior in High School. That night, like most Friday nights, I was with Cody. It was almost time for my curfew so I started home. We lived about 10 miles out in the country. I was almost out of town when I came upon a one car wreck. It had just happened, maybe a couple minutes before I got there. There was someone on a phone outside of the pickup, I assumed they were calling 911. There was a pickup that was sideways in an old building. Most of the pickup was covered with ruble from the building collapsing on top of it. I couldn't tell very much about the pickup because it was damaged and, like I said, covered up, but there was one very distinguishing part of the paint job on the pickup that I immediately noticed. The pickup belonged to a very close friend of mine and my brother, I'm talking brother close!! His name was Jeremy, we called him JC, he was 19.

Panic set in almost immediately! I knew that my real brother, Clint, was supposed to be with him that night. I didn't know whether to stop or to go home and tell my parents, no I did not have a cell phone, I also knew that there was no way they could be alive. I decided to go home and tell my parents because they needed to know so that they could call JC's parents and we could get to the hospital. I do not remember driving home, all I remember is crying so hard the entire way home that I could not even see. God must have encamped His angels around my car that night. When I got home I remember that I couldn't get my key in the door to unlock it, my parents were already in bed, my two nephews were there, and when I finally got the door open I burst in the house screaming hysterically, I couldn't even talk, my parents were trying to calm me down so that they could understand what I was saying. When I finally could talk the first thing I yelled was ""WHERE'S CLINT?', then all I could say was "JC, JC HAD A WRECK!!!". I vaguely remember begging them to call JC's parents and my dad calling someone, not sure who, to find out what happened. I remember them saying Clint had a change of plans and didn't go with JC that night and then they rushed out the door to the hospital. I stayed home with my nephews. At the time I was so upset that I didn't get to go to the hospital but now I realize that it was probably better that I didn't. I cried the entire night and I held the phone in my hand waiting for it to ring. I begged God to spare JC's life. I'm not sure exactly what time it was when the phone rang early that next morning, Saturday, Feb. 13th, maybe around 7? It was my best friend, Tiffany. I don't remember much of our conversation, really all I remember is hearing her say "Ness, he didn't make it". At this point the entire night seemed like a dream. I remember collapsing to the floor and screaming like I had never screamed in my life, I don't even know if I ever hung the phone up. The next thing I knew my parents were coming in the house and all I remember is them telling me they tried to get home before I found out from someone else.

The next few days are very hazy. I remember sitting at a friends house listening to JC's parents, my family, some other families and his closest friends planning his funeral. I felt like I wanted to die. I was so angry and hurt and hopeless and devastated. That was the longest and worst weekend of my entire life!!! I believe now that the fact that God had a plan for my life is the only reason I did not curl up and die because for the first time in my life I felt like I did not deserve to live. JC was a good person, he was tenderhearted, he was caring, he was respectful, he loved to do things for others, he was a hard worker, he loved life, he wanted to live life to the fullest. He was a cowboy who loved his horse. He loved his family and friends unconditionally. I thought if God could take such a good person from this world who were you and I to still be here!!! I hated people I didn't even know, just because they were alive and JC wasn't!!! During this season I was not a good person.

My brother, Clint, and I, in recent years, were not very close, but we gained strength from each other in the days and weeks to come, I probably got more from him than he did from me. I realize now, that is one good thing that came out of this. I remember the morning of the funeral going into the sanctuary with Clint and sitting in the pew with his arm around my shoulders, pressing my face into his chest and bawling my eyes out. It was the first time in years that we had shown each other any type of kindness, much less love and it was exactly what I need at that time. For the first time in years we were brother and sister and there was no hate or dislike of any kind between us. I will forever be thankful for that.

Every day for the remainder of that school year as soon as the dismissal bell rang I would get in my car and drive to the cemetery and sit and cry and talk to JC and tell God how angry I was with Him.

This year will be 13 years that JC passed. He enters my thoughts on a weekly basis. We have our own JC and he reminds me so much of both of his namesakes, JC and Clint. I am no longer angry with God, although I don't think I will ever understand why He took JC so soon. I still feel sad around this time of year, infact, Valentine's day is my least favorite holiday, I would just assume pass over the entire month of February altogether!

Cody and I have been trying to have Grace baptized since this summer and it just hasn't worked out but a few weeks ago we talked to our pastor about it and off the top of his head he set the date of her baptism for February 12th. I have been doing Beth Moore's Bible study about James and in the third session she talks about anguish. One thing she says is "anguish and joy can trade places".

For thirteen years I have felt anguish on the days leading up to this dreadful weekend but this year God is giving me a piece of joy on the same date that, 13 years ago, brought deep sadness. For the first time since February 12, 1999 I am looking forward to this day!! God knew this summer when Grace asked Jesus into her life that He would use that to bring me joy on Feb. 12th, and better than that, on Feb. 12, 1999 God knew that on Feb. 12, 2012 my anguish would trade places with joy!!!

I am so thankful for God's love for me and His desire to mend my wounds. How amazing is He!?

God Bless,

Denissa



Jeremy ~ JC



Justice Clint ~ JC