From My Heart

From My Heart

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

6 Years

I am reading Beth Moore's book So Long Insecurity and doing the workbook. I never really thought I was one who struggles very often with insecurity but let me tell you this book is showing me otherwise. I highly recommend reading this book!

My son's 6th birthday is this week and I am so happy and sad at the same time; happy that God has blessed our lives with another year of his sweet, loving presence but sad that he is growing up so fast!!!

As I think back over the past 6 years I can recall so much joy and laughter that Justice has brought into our family but I can also recall a season of fear and insecurity that God has so graciously brought me through.

In December 2008 I found out I was pregnant with our second baby, in that same month I lost that precious baby. At the end of January 2009 I had a very strong feeling that I was once again pregnant, against strong orders from my doctor to absolutely not get pregnant again for at least three months or I would face the same situation again. I was so terrified to even find out if I was pregnant or not that it took me weeks to even take a home pregnancy test and then another week after I finally did to call my doctor and tell him. For the next nine months I lived in fear of losing this baby too. At the time I did not even realize this fear that consumed my every thought. I remember when I was in labor I kept thinking I know everything will be okay once this baby is out of my body. The first words I remember the doctor saying, before he was even all the way born, was the cord was almost wrapped around his neck and the next words were...It's a BOY! (we did not know the sex of the baby before he was born!) As soon as I heard him say that about the cord another rush of fear set in. For the first year of his life I would not go into his room while he was sleeping, instead I would stand at the door trying to hear the faintest breath, cry or anything that would let me know he was still alive, my worst fear was that I would walk in his room and find him dead. Right after his first birthday, in October, he got sick for about 3 days and we thought it was just a tummy bug that he couldn't kick. No one else in the house ever got sick. Then two weeks later he got it again so I called his pediatrician and she said it's just a bug he'll be okay. Two weeks later again he got sick, I took him to the chiropractor this time and once again it's just a tummy bug. This went on until January. I remember opening my email one morning and reading the Air1 verse of the day, it was Psalm 62:8 Trust in Him at all times you people, pour out your hearts to Him, for God is your refuge. That verse hit me like a ton of bricks! I realized I was not trusting in God to take care of the son that HE had given us. I sat in the shower that morning and cried out to God, I poured my heart out to him like never before, I put my very sick baby at the foot of His cross and asked Him to lead me to some one that would help him. I called our family doctor that day, who I had not turned to yet, we got in to see him the next day. I was so relieved and so thankful, I knew God was taking care of it and I did not have to or need to. We ended up going from our family doctors office straight to the hospital for about 4 days and from there to a pediatric GI specialist. He ran many tests and told us the worst case scenario and best case scenario and it turned out we got the best case scenario and with a few diet changes our sweet Justice was on his way to being healthy again.

Now as we are about to celebrate his 6th birthday he is healthy as can be. He has dreams of being a bull rider some day, he loves hunting with his dad, he has a huge heart for others and most importantly he LOVES God with every inch of his being!!!

Reading this book and looking back I now realize it was my insecurity that kept me from trusting God. I was so afraid that something would happen to Justice that I could not control. It's not about what we can or cannot control, it's about letting God have complete control and trusting Him to do what He promises. God wants us to want Him. He wants all of us, every hurt, every fear, every shame, every insecurity and every joyful moment too! God wants you to pour your heart out to Him so that He can mend it and make it beautiful!!

Never again will I let fear consume my life, even if my son turns out to be a famous bull rider someday, I will trust God to protect him and lead him where He wants him to go!!

God bless,

Happy birthday to my tenderhearted, mutton bustin, 6 year old little cowboy!!! I am so thankful that God gave us you!!!

Monday, October 1, 2012

God is Faithful...All the Time!

I did not realize it has been almost 2 months since I have blogged! Oh how time flies!! The past two months have been a blur of busyness, excitement, nervousness, joy and watching God perform miracles in our lives!! We have been raising money for our Zambia trip and that means countless fundraisers on top of our everyday lives with three kids, spending time with our extended family and throw in our youth kids activities also. It has been a whirlwind of two months but we have enjoyed every busy second of it and would not trade it for any thing!!!

When we were scheduling some fundraisers for the Zambia trip I really felt the Holy Spirit saying to me not to take any money from the fundraisers for my husband and I, for us to raise our own funds to go. So I told the lady that is kind of like our mission trip organizer that even though we would be at every fundraiser Cody and I would not take any money from the fundraisers for our trip, that we would raise our own funds. I did this without my husband being present and without talking to him about it first. So when I broke the news to him lets just say he was more than a little upset!! I said to him if we step out in faith God will be faithful!

Less than 24 hours after the discussion with my husband we received an email telling us that his trip would be paid for in full and that my trip and our daughters trip would be $1000 less than what it was originally! We were speechless and amazed! God was already showing us his faithfulness!!

I make homemade cinnamon rolls for my family, it is one of my sons very favorite foods that I make. I have made them for family and friends and they are always a huge hit any time I take them somewhere. I made some for a youth fundraiser a while back and it did really well. So I told my husband I can sell cinnamon rolls to raise money for my trip. I prayed about it and I asked God to let me sell 70 pans of rolls a month. So I set some dates on the calendar starting in September going through December that I would take orders for five days and then deliver the rolls. The week in September came for me to start taking orders, on the first day, Monday, I was up to 50 pans ordered! I once again was amazed! By the second day I had reached my goal, so in my mind I am thinking okay I reached my 70 pans thank you Lord! I am done! But God had bigger goals for me and my rolls than I could ever imagine!! At the end of the first week, Friday, I had 84 pans of rolls ordered, PRAISE GOD!!! My mother-in-love and sister-in-love came and helped me make 10 batches of cinnamon rolls. I still had two batches to make the following week, by Wednesday I was up to 4 batches! I ended up making and selling 105 pans of cinnamon rolls in less than two weeks time!!! All glory to God!!!

I was hoping and praying that I could just sell 70 pans and I even doubted that I could sell that many! God went above and beyond what my mind could ever imagine! I am so guilty of putting restrictions and limitations on God and what He can do. God has shown me there is nothing that He cannot do, that when we ask for something that we think is too big He will go even bigger. My husband was so upset with me because I said we would raise our own funds, he said to me that we do not have that kind of money, there is no way that we can raise that kind of money on our own. He was right we cannot do it on our own but God can do it for us! If there is something God has laid on your heart to do and you are doubting yourself then let me encourage you to let God take control, step out on faith and let God do the rest. I promise you He will not let you down, He will not let you fail and He will take whatever it is and go way beyond what you ever thought it could be!! Our eyes only see what is in front of us at the moment but His eyes see all the way to the finish line. Step out in faith and GOD WILL BE FAITHFUL!!!

God bless,