My son's 6th birthday is this week and I am so happy and sad at the same time; happy that God has blessed our lives with another year of his sweet, loving presence but sad that he is growing up so fast!!!
As I think back over the past 6 years I can recall so much joy and laughter that Justice has brought into our family but I can also recall a season of fear and insecurity that God has so graciously brought me through.
In December 2008 I found out I was pregnant with our second baby, in that same month I lost that precious baby. At the end of January 2009 I had a very strong feeling that I was once again pregnant, against strong orders from my doctor to absolutely not get pregnant again for at least three months or I would face the same situation again. I was so terrified to even find out if I was pregnant or not that it took me weeks to even take a home pregnancy test and then another week after I finally did to call my doctor and tell him. For the next nine months I lived in fear of losing this baby too. At the time I did not even realize this fear that consumed my every thought. I remember when I was in labor I kept thinking I know everything will be okay once this baby is out of my body. The first words I remember the doctor saying, before he was even all the way born, was the cord was almost wrapped around his neck and the next words were...It's a BOY! (we did not know the sex of the baby before he was born!) As soon as I heard him say that about the cord another rush of fear set in. For the first year of his life I would not go into his room while he was sleeping, instead I would stand at the door trying to hear the faintest breath, cry or anything that would let me know he was still alive, my worst fear was that I would walk in his room and find him dead. Right after his first birthday, in October, he got sick for about 3 days and we thought it was just a tummy bug that he couldn't kick. No one else in the house ever got sick. Then two weeks later he got it again so I called his pediatrician and she said it's just a bug he'll be okay. Two weeks later again he got sick, I took him to the chiropractor this time and once again it's just a tummy bug. This went on until January. I remember opening my email one morning and reading the Air1 verse of the day, it was Psalm 62:8 Trust in Him at all times you people, pour out your hearts to Him, for God is your refuge. That verse hit me like a ton of bricks! I realized I was not trusting in God to take care of the son that HE had given us. I sat in the shower that morning and cried out to God, I poured my heart out to him like never before, I put my very sick baby at the foot of His cross and asked Him to lead me to some one that would help him. I called our family doctor that day, who I had not turned to yet, we got in to see him the next day. I was so relieved and so thankful, I knew God was taking care of it and I did not have to or need to. We ended up going from our family doctors office straight to the hospital for about 4 days and from there to a pediatric GI specialist. He ran many tests and told us the worst case scenario and best case scenario and it turned out we got the best case scenario and with a few diet changes our sweet Justice was on his way to being healthy again.
Now as we are about to celebrate his 6th birthday he is healthy as can be. He has dreams of being a bull rider some day, he loves hunting with his dad, he has a huge heart for others and most importantly he LOVES God with every inch of his being!!!
Reading this book and looking back I now realize it was my insecurity that kept me from trusting God. I was so afraid that something would happen to Justice that I could not control. It's not about what we can or cannot control, it's about letting God have complete control and trusting Him to do what He promises. God wants us to want Him. He wants all of us, every hurt, every fear, every shame, every insecurity and every joyful moment too! God wants you to pour your heart out to Him so that He can mend it and make it beautiful!!
Never again will I let fear consume my life, even if my son turns out to be a famous bull rider someday, I will trust God to protect him and lead him where He wants him to go!!