From My Heart

From My Heart

Monday, December 26, 2016

The Choices that were Made

As I sit here listening to the sound of my kids playing with their presents from the first CHRISTmas in our house my mind wanders to moments from the past year.

It has been almost a year since we signed papers on our home. So much has happened in this year, not all good but not all bad. We have had so many good, godly people standing around us through those good and bad times. Sometimes the ones that you think will be there holding your arms up are the first ones out the door when your strength is gone. In that moment is when you find the unexpected ones that grab hold of you with all their might, don't ask questions, just pray, love and speak what God lays on their heart for you.

So many days I heard God whisper to my heart, asking if I was going to follow His plans or my own. So many hard decisions that were made. Decisions that did not always go the way I planned. So many moments when I did not want to follow God's plans. Those were the moments God placed people in my path to speak to the dark places of my soul that did not care what God's plan was because I wanted life to be my way.

As I sit here and think about those decisions and choices I wonder did I follow His plan at every turn? When the people around us did not like the decisions we made, was it God's plan? When it felt like we were suffering, was it God's plan? When so much anger raged inside of me, was it God's plan?

It's easy for me to see God's plan when it creates goodness and joy. But what about when it does not? Is it still God's plan?

As I look back on the choices that were made, hard, gut-wrenching choices. Choices that caused hurt to some and ourselves; choices that set our family apart from everything we have known for our entire marriage; choices that family and friends did not agree with. Choices that we questioned ourselves, choices that drew lines in the sand and choices that had to be made at any and all costs. Many of these choices determined the future of our family.

As my mind lingers over each of these I hear the soft, smooth voice of my Savior saying "my plans not yours, be still and know."

God bless,

Thursday, April 7, 2016

I Was Lost

I once was lost but now am found, 
Was blind, but now I see.
(Amazing Grace by John Newton)

I was lost... lost in the hurt...lost in the frustration...lost in the fury...lost in my will.

Day after day I wandered in a black forest, seeing nothing, just trying to feel my way through the darkness. Not all who wander are lost but I was lost. I was alone. I was afraid. I was angry. When I looked around all I could see were the broken dreams, broken promises, broken me. I needed help but I could not find it or maybe I did not want it. Maybe I could fix it on my own.

How did I get here?! 
What did I do wrong?
When did I loose myself in this hate?
Where do I go from here?
I did not have any of the right answers. 

I hear a voice, it is calling me. Someone is there but I cannot see them. I do not want to. I want to stay in the forest. I like the black forest. It is my protection from feeling the hurt again.

Lies. Lies. Lies. 
All of it is Lies.

I still hear the voice. Soft, loving, understanding voice. The voice makes the forest seem uncomfortable again. How can the voice show me love when all I have to give is brokenness and hostility?! I notice a glimmer of light through the dark. No. I do not want light. I hear the voice again.  I recognize the voice. It is a familiar voice. A voice I know. A voice I heard daily for many years. A voice I desired to hear at one time. A voice I once was obedient to. When did the voice stop talking to me?

Did the voice stop talking or did I stop listening?

I remember...I was hurt time after time. I grew tired and weary. 

I hardened my heart to the voice.
I decided my will was better. 
I lost control, my will did not work.
I go to the light.
Those are the answers.

The voice, God's voice is coaxing me out of the dark forest. He is picking up all of the broken pieces, the hurt, despair, hate, hopelessness, faithlessness, the broken marriage, the broken family, me. God is putting it all back together, His way. His plan.

I was lost...but now I am found.

God bless,