From My Heart

From My Heart

Tuesday, December 30, 2014

Shaken

This year we have been shaken. We have been shaken by the hand of God, at times to our core. As I reflect back over 2014 I am reminded that we needed to be shaken, we needed to be removed from our cozy box, even our children, so that our TRUST in our Maker could grow.


I knew last December when God gave me the word TRUST that 2014 would not be an easy year, but never in my wildest, biggest imagination could I ever have dreamed that it would be what it was.


Before CHRISTmas break 2013 my son's first grade teacher mentioned that he was having a hard time reading. Soon after the first of the year, 2014, she told me she talked to the Dyslexia teacher and they thought he needed to be tested. Also after the break I went to work as a full time sub in the Pre-K class as the aide for the remainder of the semester. I have been a stay at home mom for 10 years, and although this does not seem that major, it hit me deep! I really do not know how all of you working moms do it!! Things got busy at school and the Dyslexia teacher was not able to start testing Justice until May and during this time we also found out she had taken a job at another school in the town we actually live in. We also lost a very dear family friend during May. Jonny Baby was a great man, he was not perfect but he was forgiven and is very loved. He was my five years old's (four at the time) best friend. There is still a void in all of our hearts that will never be filled until we meet again at those pearly gates. In June it was official our son is dyslexic. We had already been praying about moving our kids to a different school and when we found out about this we prayed even harder. In June God laid it on my husband's heart to resign from being the youth pastor at our church after five years. We had poured our hearts into that ministry and the kids, we lived in church housing, and within minutes it was all gone. We did not understand why God would put us there only to rip us away with nothing to show for it. In July my husband started having bouts of depression. In August after months of praying about changing schools we really felt God leading us to move all three kids. Our oldest daughter was starting 6th grade and she was not happy about leaving the school (and friends) she had attended since Pre-K. There were lots of nerves and tears on the first day of school this year. I could not wait for the kids to get home so I could find out how their first day was. My heart dropped when my oldest daughter got in the Yukon and said it was the worst day ever, especially after the other two loved their new schools! Every day at school got better for Justice and Hartly, but every day got worse for Grace. It was probably one of the hardest things I have ever had to do, sending my daughter to school every day knowing she was not happy and not being able to do anything to change it. One evening when we were talking about her day she asked me why she could not just go back to her old school. I told her this was not easy for me either, in life we need to grow and when we are in our comfy, cozy box we cannot grow so God shakes us out of our coziness. If He did not shake us up every once in a while we would never learn to TRUST in Him. We always have a choice to stay snug and warm or to get out into the unknown, both will be hard eventually, but one comes with a bigger blessing at the end. Boy was I preaching to the choir that night!! In September my husband changed jobs and went back to work for the family business. In October my husband and I began family coaching. It seemed after months of hurt and change we just could not get on the same page and we knew we needed help. It was one of the best things we could have ever done for ourselves, our marriage and our family. At the end of October we found a house to rent and were able to move out of our church provided housing. At this time we also felt God pulling us out of our church all together. I really wanted to stay until the end of the year (Cody said he felt we should leave sooner) but that is not what God had planned. I remember walking into service one Sunday morning at the end of November and for the first time in over 13 years of attending the same church, I felt as if I did not belong. This was the church that I had swept the floors of when it was first becoming a church. This was the same church each of my babies had been dedicated in, and one was baptized in. Our family had began and grown in this church, seeds had been planted in me, Cody and our kids in this church. Even though the people had changed over the years the church never had, it was my home and my comfort, well it had been until that morning and the moment my foot crossed the threshold of the door I knew it was no longer where my family belonged. In that moment I was shaken to the core. I do not remember what our Pastor preached on that morning because I spent every second of the service thinking and remembering all of the moments and the people that had crossed my path in that building. I left with tears in my eyes knowing we would not be back. The first Sunday of December we attended church with my husbands brother and his family. God spoke to us that morning through the message. The kids loved their kids church and youth also. We have since been attending each Sunday service. We do not know yet if this is where God wants us permanently but for this season He is filling us with His word and giving our hearts rest as we wait upon Him to direct us.


As I type this today we are finally feeling settled into our temporary home. We have overcome a lot over this past year. Our kids love their new schools, Grace is very involved and is thankful for the change, Justice has made tremendous progress with his reading and Hartly loves Kindergarten. There have been many times this year I have thought my TRUST has failed God miserably but no matter what He has loved me through it all. There have been many times I have thought I cannot wait for 2014 to pass but I know now that 2015 might not hold the same challenges but it will hold new ones, some may be easier than the ones we faced this year and some may be more difficult but regardless God will see us through it all as long as we have faith.


God Bless,
Denissa 

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