I Was Lost

I once was lost but now am found, 
Was blind, but now I see.
(Amazing Grace by John Newton)

I was lost... lost in the hurt...lost in the frustration...lost in the fury...lost in my will.

Day after day I wandered in a black forest, seeing nothing, just trying to feel my way through the darkness. Not all who wander are lost but I was lost. I was alone. I was afraid. I was angry. When I looked around all I could see were the broken dreams, broken promises, broken me. I needed help but I could not find it or maybe I did not want it. Maybe I could fix it on my own.

How did I get here?! 

What did I do wrong?

When did I loose myself in this hate?

Where do I go from here?

I did not have any of the right answers. 

I hear a voice, it is calling me. Someone is there but I cannot see them. I do not want to. I want to stay in the forest. I like the black forest. It is my protection from feeling the hurt again.

Lies. Lies. Lies. 

All of it is Lies.

I still hear the voice. Soft, loving, understanding voice. The voice makes the forest seem uncomfortable again. How can the voice show me love when all I have to give is brokenness and hostility?! I notice a glimmer of light through the dark. No. I do not want light. I hear the voice again.  I recognize the voice. It is a familiar voice. A voice I know. A voice I heard daily for many years. A voice I desired to hear at one time. A voice I once was obedient to. When did the voice stop talking to me?

Did the voice stop talking or did I stop listening?

I remember...I was hurt time after time. I grew tired and weary. 

I hardened my heart to the voice.

I decided my will was better. 

I lost control, my will did not work.

I go to the light.

Those are the answers.

The voice, God's voice is coaxing me out of the dark forest. He is picking up all of the broken pieces, the hurt, despair, hate, hopelessness, faithlessness, the broken marriage, the broken family, me. God is putting it all back together, His way. His plan.

I was lost...but now I am found.

God bless,

Denissa